It was one year ago today that my beloved and I touched down in Canada after a nine month experience of jungle, journeying, and profound healing inside the belly of Mama Costa Rica. It’s difficult, even now, a year later, to express in words what truly happened to me in those nine months, and a full year of integration later, wow, all I can really do is smile.
Some of you know our story, and for those of you who don’t, I will share a bit about what pulled us down to Costa Rica in the first place. My very special husband, Keah, and I have been loving each other madly for almost six years. The love we felt for each other was so immaculate, that it didn’t take us long to figure out that we wanted to share this special kind of love with a child, grow our tribe, and challenge ourselves to step into another role and level of our stewardship of this Earth, to become parents.
After experiencing two miscarriages in our first two years together, and developing a few vaginal cysts, it became clear that there was some deeper work to be done on my womb, as it turned out, I had been carrying many ancestral wounds, and could see that I was the one my ancestors had dreamed strong enough to take on this healing process. My womb was screaming for this reconnection to the sacred feminine, to the yoniverse world, a microcosm of our one womb; I knew that I was doing this work for many.
We decided as a family that we were going to sell all of our things, move our life into two suitcases, and with our cats, take some time out of our busy Canadian lives to settle into the magic of the jungle, and dive in deep with the help of the medicines of the Earth, offering ourselves the time and space to see ourselves, work on ourselves, and heal.
We landed in the Diamante Valley, where we were welcomed into an incredible tribe of people, with a strength of heart-mind that I had not yet encountered in my life, all striving for a beauteous experience of this human life, sustained and sweetly held by the bounty and freshness of the Costa Rican jungles. Everything here was so pure, the water, the fruit, the air, the people. Pura vida, pure life.
We offered what gifts we had to this part of the world, our sacred sound healings, movement medicines, inner journeys, and invoking of ceremonies. In return, cacao found our hearts and started to weave a deep and intimate relationship with us, bringing us to offer incredibly potent cacao ceremonies alongside some amazing facilitators and musicians. Our hearts warming and cracking open with every single meeting of cacao to our lips. Alongside these external offerings, we offered ourselves so much of this medicine to our internal landscapes. Yoga, Reiki, qi gong, and a home filled with crystal singing bowls and a giant gong; the healing began to take place in incredible new ways and forms. The jungle was working her way in, you see.
In this time, we experienced two more miscarriages; each time the visions of what was needing to be healed becoming stronger and more vibrant. Plant spirit medicines began to introduce themselves as they showed up on our path. Rappé, for the decalcification of the pineal gland. Sananga, for jaguar vision. Peyote and Ayahuasca, to swallow and keep the visions deep inside. To say that I was born brand new was an understatement. I feel I awakened to my truth throughout all of these ancient teachings, and experienced what its like to hold hands with the ancestors and the future at the same time. Keah and I could see eye to eye, heart to heart in a brand new way, like when you first fall in love but amplified. It was like all our past life karma together had been cleared, and there was a lightness that we held dear to our hearts, like keeping a sacred flame from any breeze.
Shortly after our last (and most intense) ceremony, we immersed ourselves in the healing volcanic spring waters of this beautiful place, then hopped on a plane and flew back to the soggy springtime of the west coast. I felt like a new baby, who had just emerged from the belly of my mother after nine long months of growing, loving, connecting. It felt so good to be home, and at the same time, I felt like an alien to be back in a life that I had changed so much from, that it was hardly familiar. No one explains integration, and when you blow yourself open with so much plant medicine, it takes a slow and long time to funnel back down through everything into your physical body. It took me a year.
And one year later I write this, just a few weeks away from the due date of our sweet baby, healthy and strong, growing inside of my womb. When I think about my personal journey to Motherhood, its not something I ever thought would happen to me, but it was and is my perfect story. Finding the courage to share and inspire from the depths of grief and tragedy has changed my life profoundly. For to have a voice and not share it, use it to inspire, to weave storytelling in the ancient way, why waste such a precious gift? To journey so deeply with the one you love in this kind of way, I hold our shared experience so close to my heart. Our sacred union is truly beautiful, and we have both learned so much from each other, creating the space for each other to shine independently and at the same time merge our sacred feminine and sacred masculine counterparts, creating true oneness in relationship. True marriage.
And it is from this true oneness that we now open our hearts to include another soul on their path, a path that we will walk together. I give thanks for my ancestors for their belief in me to do this great work, for my womb, and for our one womb, the one each man and wombyn come forth from. I give thanks for the spirits who have danced with me inside my body, if only even for a short while, you showed me the true strength in loving and letting go. And to this one preparing to enter this world, the fruit that my body tree may bare, you are loved and wanted here more than you will ever know. This journey to Mamahood has taught me the most powerful lessons so far on this path, and I am humbled and honored to continue to walk, slowly, gracefully, towards the future.
To all of the family we met in Costa Rica, know that each and every one of you holds such a special part of our hearts. You loved us, held us, journeyed with us, and showed us the incredible power of community and communion on this Earth. You were all such a huge part of our healing journey. We love you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding us that we are limitless in every moment. No need to fight our path, just breathe into it.
As a final note, know that it is possible to heal ourselves. I am one example of many. There is no one way to seek out healing, I understand that not everyone is able to take nine months away from their normal lives to go work on themselves in the jungle. I am grateful for that opportunity every day. But do know that you can listen to the whispers of your heart, and that it will guide you in the way that is perfect and aligned for you. We are powerful, we are potent, we are remembering, and we have all the tools we need amongst us. Trust, trust, trust.