Whoa. Today my sweet babe is five months earth side!! Seems insane, and also just a deeper understanding that time is truly an illusion. There really is only now, and nothing has been a greater teacher of presence than this little kiddo of mine.
Today also marks five months of no sleep for this Mama. Literally, I haven't slept more than 3-4 hours a night for five months. I didn't even know that was possible!! Motherhood has shown me my perceived limits on so many levels, and also that I can power through any mental and physical barriers I have ever set upon myself. Everything is possible. And that means even sleep!
We are doing baby-led everything, which is pretty self explanatory, you let your baby show you the way, at their own pace and in their own time. Teyavey has been asking us for food, and tomorrow I will go to the farmers market and select some organic and local produce, with the most intention I have ever put into purchasing food. And then I am going to come home, lay out every vegetable I felt my way to, and let my babe choose which one he wants for his first meal. Then I will prepare it with the most love I have ever prepared food, sing a chant, bless his food and his entire life journey with earth nourishment, take a deep breath, and let him go for it!
To be honest, it's bittersweet. Up until now, he has solely survived on my breastmilk, and literally needed me for his survival. I know it may sound silly, but it's a big moment for me. As of this first bite of food, he will no longer need me in the same way that he did. He will begin the journey of self-sustaining, and his very individuality, since conception, will blossom in a new way. Which is so beautiful, the death of one cycle and the beginning of another.
We both need this moment, though. He is ready for food, and I am ready for sleep. Our bodies and beings are both calling in a denser, more grounded energy at the same time. The shamanic, spirit-infused, floaty high that comes with sleep deprivation has held great teachings. But I am excited to feel rested in body and mind, and have conversations and interactions with others with the fullness of my being.
And Teyavey is ready too. He is showing me, and he is the teacher, he is pure of spirit and he knows that it is time.
I am grateful to know what it feels like to grow a human being inside of your body, nourishing them and building their flesh, blood, and bones with your own. I am grateful to know what it feels like to feed a tiny baby with my own breasts, to hear him cry and feel the tiny lightning bolt tingles, follow the veins with my eyes to the nipple, where they burn and express tiny drops of pearly coloured milk. Liquid gold. The most nourishing food to our species. Mother's milk.
It is an incredible thing to watch your young grow bigger, their tiny limbs gaining weight, little squishy thighs and a chunky little bum, and little rolls of fat everywhere - all thanks to my body, my body that grew this tiny human.
I give thanks for this experience, and for this first lesson in letting go, a little bit, of my child. The first of many teachings, where I unfurl the palm of my hand, and let him go, a little bit more, into his own world. These moments, these teachings, come in bundles so small, they happen so fast, and I will honour them with every ounce of my being. Fully present, breathing deeply, walking another footstep on this mysterious and collective road known as Motherhood.